It's too late.
It wasn't Zhou Zishu's own thought or voice that echoed in his mind as he looked down at their tightly clasped hands, Wen Kexing smiling up at him in simple, drunken happiness.
Now that I have him where I wanted him and know what's in his heart it's too late.
In truth it had been too late long before they had even met for the first time but a dying man might be excused the folly of hoping for a short little time before the end.
He made sure to smile back as gently and honestly as he could. It was easier than it should be, considering everything, but his Lao Wen always had a way of teasing genuine emotion out of him. Smiles. Happiness. Hope. And other good things amidst the confusion, the anger and the sheer rage the man also managed to ignite with the most miniscule of gestures or words.
He'd promised to go to the death place of Wen Kexing's parents, very well knowing the he would be lucky if he'd saw another day, let alone another week. He could have kicked himself for the careless promise but why ruin one of the few good days of Lao Wen's life?
The physical pain was all but gone now, taking almost everything of his senses along with it, but that only forced him to concentrate on the mental anguish of being forced to leave now that he no longer wanted to. He could barely feel Wen Kexing's hand between his own, had to look down to make sure that he was still holding it in a grip that was neither too lax nor too tight.
I love you. I'm sorry it is too late for us. I'm sorry I'll break you so soon after you found me. I'm glad I could give you a few good memories to nurture you until you'll join me.
He wanted to wish for mercy from the heavens, to beg them to not make his soulmate suffer too much after his passing, but since he was already intimately acquainted with the pain his death was about to inflict, he didn't even bother.
Just bring both of our affairs in order, before you follow me, he begged instead. I'll wait for you.
For whatever awaited them, they would share it. He was sure of that, at least, and found comfort in the thought.
He wouldn't have to wait for long, he knew, no matter how much he wished so for Wen Kexing's sake. The knowledge brought a hollow sort of comfort. Even a few days of life without his other half had been unbearable, there was no way he wished months, years, or even decades, of the same unrelenting loneliness on the man he loved with all his broken self could offer.
Zhou Zishu was the one dying but somehow he was always the one who ended up standing above an injured or drunk Wen Kexing, holding his hand and trying to guard his dreams with a simple touch.
He leaned down and took deep breath in the vain hope of maybe being allowed to get just a hint of the scent he by now barely remembered. Funny, he could remember the feel and the taste of Wen Kexing's blood on his tongue after kissing him, and how it had felt to have him inside of him, but he couldn't remember his smell. But then, smell had left first, hadn't it? It was hard to remember these days if he was being honest.
Now that he was already down there he used to moment to kiss the now unbloodied lips. Wen Kexing smiled in his sleep and chased the kiss even after Zhou Zishu had drawn back. He preferred kissing a drunk and sleeping Lao Wen instead of a hurt and unconscious one, he decided and smiled as he licked his lips, trying to chase the now absent taste.
He carefully put Wen Kexing's hand down, tightening his grip just for a moment so show he sleeping man that he was still there and getting another smile and some nonsense words for it.
"Sleep well," he murmured, as he covered him with the waiting blanket, "and dream of better days for both of us."
A few days, a week at most, was all they had left with each other in this life.
It was too late, yes, but there was still some time left, and he would use it to the best of his abilities. There was a wedding to plan and attend, there was fun and laughter to be had and, maybe, if the heavens were kind for once, afterwards there would be a gentle death in the arms of his Lao Wen. A dying man could dream of things like that, right?
There would be no sleep for him tonight, he knew, instead he settled down on the floor to meditate and protect his soulmate all through the long night. It was the least he could do, after having neglected his duty for so many years, and he vowed to take this responsibility serious until the moment he took his last breath, Wen Kexing's face hopefully the last thing he'd ever see in this life.
Too late. But not over. Not yet.