Wen Kexing's sleep was as bad as Zhou Zishu's own. While he had accepted that fact for himself a long time ago it was so hard to watch someone important to him suffer through nightmares and interrupted sleep while being unable to help.
He was sitting up and busy staring into the barely illuminated darkness without seeing anything but a parade of regrets of the past and hopes for the future, all miserably tangled up with each other. No wonder he couldn't find sleep, even if the constant pain, apart from his dislocated shoulder, had dulled to almost nothing. Where before the regrets had piled up now hope tried its best to wrap its tendrils around them, to smother them with the promise of a bright future. I would be so easy to stop resisting the temptation and truly allow himself to…
Wen Kexing was very still and almost silent in his nightmares, Zhou Zishu had noted long ago. No wonder, considering what he'd been through and where he'd been put through hell and back.
A deep breath and a small motion was enough and he turned around and reached out to offer comfort. He didn't even look down but still found Wen Kexing's hand easily with his right and held on to it tightly.
It was a reverse of their position from not too long ago - Wen Kexing waking him from a nightmare with touch alone, compelling him to share more of his past than he was truly comfortable with.
They really should have moved into separate bedrooms after that night but my mutual, unspoken, agreement they hadn't. Instead, they had moved into the same one, giving Chengling his own room and them more privacy, not that anything interesting had happened in that regard. Their bedding was still on the floor and so close that it was basically one nest.
They both very carefully didn't talk about that and, in Zhou Zishu's case, avoided even thinking about it too much.
Considering how beaten up they both were right now he was glad that he had Wen Kexing close and could monitor him during his own sleepless night. There was only so much medicine and hot baths could do to soothe a deeply bruised body - sleep and gentle exercise were still the most important things for recovery.
Wen Kexing had woken up, Zhou Zishu could feel it, but he hadn't moved. Zhou Zishu still stared straight ahead, concentrating on the faint glimmer of the dying candle light. They both hated to wake up from nightmares to complete darkness and had started to let the last remnants of candles burn out through the night. It was stupid - two grown men, accomplished fighters, who wanted to be able to see when they woke up from the memories of the terrors they had inflicted willingly and unflinchingly. Neither of them would ever light a candle for himself but for the other…
"You don't have to be a ghost here amongst the living. Not anymore, Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu said quietly as he stroked the back of Wen Kexing's right hand with his thumb. The words had burned in him for a while but only now was the time to speak them out loud. No matter how aggressive Wen Kexing had been with his advances in the beginning, Zhou Zishu had always known that any true reciprocation - apart from some careful flirting back - must be carefully considered. Wen Kexing was too dangerous for thoughtless stumbling around.
Apart from the sudden tension in the body lying next to his own there was no reaction, making it easier for Zhou Zishu to say what he had wanted to say for so long. "You are flesh and blood," he continued, hoping that he could get through the incredible stubbornness that had served Wen Kexing so well for so long.
And you deserve this, he wanted to add but held back at the last moment. Not that he didn't believe that, of course Lao Wen deserved love and care, but saying it out loud would imply that the reverse was also true. He was still struggling himself to accept that, so how could he demand it from someone else? Especially someone who fought the same demons as he himself did?
He looked down at their hands and Wen Kexing turned his palm up so that he could entangle their fingers. His eyes were still closed, his breathing even. The bruises on his face stood out in stark relief, even in the almost darkness.
Zhou Zishu was once again caught up in the fierce maelstrom of love and protectiveness, mixed with exasperation, that only Wen Kexing could ignite in him.
"So now that you've seen my heart, A-Xu," he said after a few moments, "do you find it lacking? Are you going to leave me now?"
Zhou Zishu laughed at that. Gently, almost silently. "Lacking in virtue, maybe, and shame," he allowed with a smile. "Not in anything that matters to me." He took a deep breath, regretting it when it moved his shoulder too much. "And I'm not going to leave you, until they tear me away from your side with irresistible force. Maybe not even then."
That finally got him a reaction. A turned head and a slow blink. He was almost tempted to lean down and kiss those pouting lips. Wen Kexing probably still felt too beaten up after Ye Baiyi's murder attempt to move around more than necessary, especially in the middle of the night with his muscles stiff from being still for hours, so Zhou Zishu refrained from assaulting him like that. Some other time.
Zhou Zishu, on the other hand, barely felt anything of the multitude of bruises scattered over his body, apart from his left shoulder. That one was annoying. And concerning. He shoved the thought away with the ease of long experience.
"I've held out in this lonely life for so long," Wen Kexing continued, sounding distracted, as if he was still caught up in the memories of this nightmare. "Then I met you. Before that I thought revenge was all I'd ever have. A'Xiang was finally old and experienced enough for me to bring her to the human world so I could accelerate my plans and…"
"… see that same human world burn for what it did to you and your parents," Zhou Zishu finished. He hesitated but some things needed to be said, even if they were already understood. "Killing yourself in the process. Oh, Lao Wen. As far as plans go, that might be even worse than my own."
He could kick himself for long it had taken him to figure it out. He used to be the leader of the deadliest and most efficient group of assassins and spies in recent history. He had built the network himself. He should have seen it all coming far earlier than he did - stupid nails, not only fucking up his body but also his mental capabilities. He'd been okay with all of that but that had been before.
Before Wen Kexing. Before, when he'd only wanted to die, before it turned out that the stupid, awful, no-good asshole that haunted his every step was his fucking soulmate and a broken mess underneath the fancy words and the remarkable fighting capabilities.
Oh. Seemed that they both had a 'before I met you' condition now.
A condition that made him less fierce and more emotional but if that was the price he had to pay to have Wen Kexing in his life he would gladly pay it over and over again. It might not even be the nails - Zhou Zishu wouldn't put it past Wen Kexing to come with side effects like that, annoying pest that he was.
"Why could your suicide plan not be like mine?" he lamented, not even half joking. After a few weeks of calm it all was starting to crash down around them, he could feel it in the very air around them. Their window of peace had closed the moment they both were in no shape to defend themselves and Chengling against whatever - whoever - of their opponents might come knocking first.
They both had amassed too many enemies in their lives and they were all converging now when they were at their lowest.
"Kill yourself slowly and out of sight of anyone?" Wen Kexing gave back, sounding exhausted. "No. Not me. I have fought my way up from the bottom of Ghost Valley to the very top after those bastards left me to die. I will have my revenge, I will scream it from the mountaintops, I will fight until I can't anymore, and even then I won't go to my death quietly."
"No, you won't," Zhou Zishu agreed softly. He squeezed Wen Kexing's hand to show that he hadn't meant the words like they'd sounded. "It would have made things easier if you'd managed to tell me something useful earlier instead of spouting stupid poetry and hiding behind cooking." His eyes wandered over to Wen Kexing's coat, discarded in one corner of the room. He swallowed hard and quickly looked back to Wen Kexing.
Tired, scared and hurting but alive. Not covered in that awful thing, face serene in death, but bruised and squinting up at him with an unsure expression.
"I wanted you to know but I was so afraid," Wen Kexing confessed, as if that hadn't been obvious from the start. As if he hadn't said so before, even if had been a little bit less explicit. "You brought the light back into my life - how could I say anything that might turn you away from me for good?"
Zhou Zishu could barely imagine how much it must have cost him to admit that out loud - twice! - so he stayed silent. Wen Kexing deserved his dignity in that, at least. Wen Kexing, in turn, did him the favor of not asking for how long he'd known.
They looked at each other in silent and perfect understanding.
The candle flickered one last time and went out, just as Wen Kexing exhaled loudly.
"Did you really mean it?" he asked into the darkness. "Has this ghost truly passed over the threshold into the human world and found something worthwhile in this awful place? Or is he just deceiving himself?"
"You deserve to be loved, Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu murmured. It was difficult to say the words and they came out nearly silent but Wen Kexing needed to hear them. Deserved to hear them. He squeezed Wen Kexing's hand one last time before he let go to slowly lowered himself down again. It took him a few moments to find a comfortable position on his back, but then he searched out Wen Kexing's hand with his left.
The movement hurt deep in his shoulder, but not too much. It was worth it when Wen Kexing held on to him like his grasp was the only thing tethering him to life.
"You really do," he added to really drive the point home. Just like a nail driven into a body.
A short, bitter laugh, tinged with sadness. "Then so do you, A-Xu. So do you."