One would never expect it from looking at him but Lan Zhan found comfort in pain.
It had taken Wei Wuxian far too long to discover that very deeply hidden truth himself and by now he had far more insight into the man's inner workings than anyone else, even his brother.
Most people saw Lan Zhan as silent and unmoving as the jade he was so often compared to, but to Wei Wuxian he had become an open book, easily read and interpreted.
Most of the time.
Turned out that there were layers upon layers to Lan Zhan - because nothing about him could be easy, right? - and the secrets he kept most closely guarded where the ones he struggled with most.
Even with all the hints and his intimate knowledge it had taken Wei Wuxian an embarrassingly long time to realize how carefully Lan Zhan collected and nurtured his pain.
The Elders had believed they'd punished him for betraying his sect.
Lan Zhan endured the whip and the seclusion in an attempt to atone for his perceived betrayal of Wei Wuxian.
The scars on his back were meant to remind him that he'd broken about five million stupid rules, he took them as his penance for failing to save the man he loved desperately and hopelessly.
He'd taken that hopeless love, gathered it close, and let the object of his affections hurt him over and over again. It didn't matter that Wei Wuxian had done so to keep his own dark secret and to protect him - he'd unwittingly added to the pain Lan Zhan had already been carrying at that point and he would never forgive himself for that.
He'd gathered the pain of a broken leg, forced himself to walk on it with only a slight limp, projecting an aura of calm acceptance and serenity, while everything inside of him screamed in agony.
Even further back there was the pain of losing his mother and being forced into a mold he didn't quite fit, no matter how well he tried and managed to fake it.
And that was only the pain Wei Wuxian knew about. He didn't doubt that there was so much more of it, carefully collected, held close, and used to build the wall between Lan Zhan and the rest of the world.
Once upon a time all Wei Wuxian had wanted to do was to shatter that wall, to force some genuine show of emotion out of the beautiful jade statue that had captivated his mind and soul so easily and thoroughly.
Now, so many years and even more pain later, he was glad that he hadn't managed it. He didn't want to imagine what the years between his death and resurrection would have done to his beloved if he hadn't had that wall around his inner self to keep him safe and sane.
"Lan Zhan, you don't have to find comfort in pain anymore," he blurted out in his usual graceless fashion the moment the revelation hit him. A moment later he winced at having destroyed the relaxed late-evening atmosphere between them so quickly and thoroughly.
For an outsider Lan Zhan's slightly raised head and inquisitive head-tilt might have been nothing but Wei Wuxian could plainly see the pure shock his words had triggered.
"Wei Ying," he started but then fell silent.
It was as good as a shouted confession from anyone else. It made Wei Wuxian smile, even though it hurt to do so. He wanted to leap over the table between them, grab his husband and hold him in an attempt to soothe the pain but he had a feeling that the sun would cease to rise again before enough time for that had passed.
"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan tried again, head still slightly tilted with a tiny - and rather cute, Wei Wuxian had to admit - frown on his face. "I don't," he said. "Not anymore. I find comfort in your presence now."
The simple words, offered without hesitance and all the gravitas only Lan Zhan could infuse them with, knocked the breath out of Wei Wuxian.
Okay, Lan Zhan had nobody but himself to blame now. While he didn't quite jump over the table he was less than graceful and probably broke a rule or two in his attempt to get to Lan Zhan as fast as humanly possible.
"Oh, Lan Zhan," he murmured when he had him in his arms, clinging to him with all his strength. Lan Zhan held on to him just as tightly. "Haven't I told you to stop talking like that? I can't take it."
While Wei Wuxian had his face pressed against Lan Zhan's throat he still knew that he was smiling at this old and worn-out complaint. He raised his head to look at his husband.
Lan Zhan was relaxed, apart from the slight but ever-present tension in his back. The one pain that affected his body the most and the one Wei Wuxian had found ways to soothe over the years they'd spent together.
"Let me take care of you," he begged. "I want to make you feel good."
"Yes," Lan Zhan said. You already do, he meant and because Wei Wuxian had become very good at reading the silence between his words he heard the underlying I'm yours to do with as you please.
This time, his smile wasn't strained but genuine as he got up and held out his hand.
Lan Zhan accepted the unneeded, but still very appreciated, help and allowed Wei Wuxian to pull him up and into a kiss before letting himself be led towards the bed and the massage awaiting him.