"Let me help."
A plea wrapped in an order; typical Zhao Yunlan. As always, Shen Wei was helpless against it, no matter how hard he tried to fight against the instinctive urge to grant any wish Zhao Yunlan might have.
"No," he said firmly. "I can deal with it." He would. As soon as he had extracted himself from this situation and fled to the cold comfort of his own apartment, away from that too knowing gaze and the concern that was threatening to choke him with all its tenderness.
"Shen Wei. Look at me." Shen Wei did and cursed himself the moment their eyes met. "You don't have to do this alone." Zhao Yunlan in all his protective glory, no matter how unneeded it was. "Tell me what to do and," he swallowed, clearly uneasy but determined to power through, "I'll do it. It's my energy that's hurting you, let me help you get it out."
The idea alone was unbearable.
"No." He turned around, ready to go but a hand on his shoulder kept him still.
Zhao Yunlan came up behind up, knife in his hand, overcoming the last of the distance between them. A strong arm was wrapped around his middle as if to hold him in place, gently and insistently drawing him back until his backside was pressed firmly against Zhao Yunlan's front. Shen Wei flinched at the intimate contact, something so longed for and not felt in so long.
They were already so close, yes, but not nearly close enough for Shen Wei's taste. Zhao Yunlan was equally unhappy in the holding position they were stuck in but there never was the time to do something about the pent-up tension between them that became worse every time they laid eyes on each other.
Throwing his usual prudence overboard he pushed back slightly and closed his eyes to fully savor the contact. He hoped that made it clear that the advances were more than welcome. A moment later, when the full extent of his action became clear to his muddled brain, he tried to flinch forwards but the strong hold didn't allow him to break away without the danger of hurting Zhao Yunlan. So he stayed still, barely daring to breathe.
Caught between fight or flight he chose surrender.
Zhao Yunlan laughed softly, but didn't move away. "Don't be afraid, Xiao Wei, I'm not going to take your innocence," he murmured while taking his left wrist in a firm grip and inspecting the now undamaged skin. He was still holding the knife in his right hand. "Not yet, anyway," he added in a teasing tone that sounded only slightly forced. Despite that, the words made his desires clear and the sheer want they evoked in Shen Wei almost punched the breath out of his lungs.
"Don't worry. You already did that a long time ago," he answered absently, too occupied with savoring the contact to really think about his words. "You're welcome to do so again."
Silence.
Then, just as a started to realize what he'd let slip, there was a soft touch on his cheek and the sound of the knife hitting the floor again. He didn't even try to resist when he was slowly turned around, Zhao Yunlan's arm still around his waist to keep him caged.
Fleeing had become a foreign concept, he was too busy soaking up the touch and the care behind it.
"Shen Wei," Zhao Yunlan started. Stopped. Swallowed. Tried again. "Something you want to tell me, baby?"
The new pet name sent a shiver down his spine that had nothing to do with the energy poisoning him.
"I…" he started but stopped when a finger landed on his lips. He was too startled to react.
"No more lies. Please. Just tell me and then let me help you."
He stubbornly shook his head. "I can't. Not yet." By now he had connected the threads of memory and had a pretty good idea about what was going to happen. He didn't dare to say anything about it in fear of changing Zhao Yunlan's future and his own past. Too many things depended on it. "But," he said quickly because he knew that he had to offer something and to stave off the oncoming protest, "I'll let you help afterwards."
He allowed himself to sway in Zhao Yunlan's hold to divert the attention from his verbal slip towards his physical ailment. A cheap trick, and one Zhao Yunlan should never fall for. Except… he did. Just like Shen Wei had known he would.
More silence and Zhao Yunlan's grip around him tightened even more. "Shen Wei, I'm not going to stand here, watch you carve yourself up, and bandage you up afterwards. Just like you couldn't leave me curled up on the street when my gastritis flared up."
Ah, yes. Payback was a bitch, as Zhao Yunlan would say right now. Of course he wouldn't. Couldn't. Hadn't. Even if this situation was a completely different one, Zhao Yunlan would never accept that argument.
"Xiao Wei," and here it was again, that beloved pet name that made him go weak in the knees each and every time, "we're going to sit down, you're going to show me where and how and then I'll be the one to cut you open." The pain in Zhao Yunlan's eyes was unbearable and Shen Wei had to look away or risk losing whatever was left of his composure. "After the bad energy is drained out I'll take care of you and then I'll put you to bed and watch over you while you rest. I think even the feared Black Robe Envoy deserves that much."
Another tender touch on his face and his head was gently raised so that their eyes could meet again. Zhao Yunlan's hand cupped his cheek and he leaned into the touch without hesitation, too far gone to try to control his body's instinctive reaction to being near this man. He got a sad smile in return.
"You have no idea how sick you're looking right now, hm? As if you're going to collapse at any moment. Damn it, Shen Wei, why didn't you say something?! You're taking care of me so well, all the time, do you really think I wouldn't do the same? Being incredible powerful and resilient doesn't mean you're immortal."
Shen Wei was barely listening. The words bad energy were echoing in his mind and he was protesting without even thinking about it. "Not bad," he said softly.
"What?"
"Your light energy. It's not bad. Just not compatible with my dark energy." Zhao Yunlan must never be allowed to think that any part of him was bad. "It's my fault," he added stubbornly. His body's failing, that it couldn't tolerate having Zhao Yunlan's energy inside of it, no matter how beloved and treasured it was. Since his head was still tilted up he escaped by closing his eyes. Another deep breath and he surrendered himself to the inevitable as well as the pain and dizziness that had been waiting in ambush for so long now. "You may do it," he allowed almost tonelessly.
"Thank you so much for your permission to hurt you," came the sarcastic response.
"Don't worry. I'm used to being in pain."
"So you said and no matter what you might believe - that's not reassuring but horrifying, baby." A deep sigh. "I knew it would be a shit ton of work to get into your pants but I didn't expect you to be quite as much trouble."
Before Shen Wei could even think about how to react to that statement Zhao Yunlan was dragging him towards the couch and pushed him down. "Sit," he told him curtly and Shen Wei tried really hard not to take offense at the tone that was used. "I'll get what we need."
Now Shen Wei was confused. The knife was right there, on the floor after all. He nodded towards it. What more was there to it?
A frustrated sound. "After you've finished bleeding energy all over my apartment will you be in any shape to heal yourself? Or will you bleed actual blood, like, you know, a normal being? Which I know you to be, underneath that Envoy thing you've got going on."
Judging by how hard it had been to heal the simple wound on his wrist… "No," he said tonelessly. "Yes," he added when he realized he'd answered the first question but not the second.
A surprisingly gentle touch on his shoulder. "Your self-preservation instinct is shit, but I guess that comes with the healing abilities. You don't really need to protect yourself when you can heal pretty much anything, right?"
He also didn't think he deserved as much consideration, and it wasn't as if Zhao Yunlan's self-preservation instinct was any better, but he was pretty sure Zhao Yunlan would actually hit him if he said that out loud right now so he kept silent.
"We should do this in the bathroom," Zhao Yunlan muttered to himself as he picked up the knife and vanished with it into the bathroom. "Easier to clean up. But you look like you're already half-dead and I don't want you to hurt yourself in there."
Half-dead… if Zhao Yunlan had any idea how true those words were - but no, he mustn't know. Not yet.
The words were quiet enough that Shen Wei could pretend to not have heard them. All that planning and care that Zhao Yunlan put into something he would have done while standing over the kitchen sink…
While Zhao Yunlan was busy gathering whatever he thought necessary for their improvised surgery he tried to find the best way to do it.
With half-closed eyes and almost all of his attention turned inwards he tried to trace the light energy inside of him, to find the best placement for the cut to get most of it out in one or two incisions.
The amount of light energy wasn't much but it had diluted and infiltrated his whole body. Pure poison for him and that should tell him something but his brain was too slow to figure it out. He just knew that he still had a job to do and in his current condition it would be impossible to do it. To protect the people who depended on him. And Zhao Yunlan. Who needed and not needed protection at the same time. Whose light energy was so strong and so beautiful and flowing through is veins like poison, leaving agony and awe in its wake.
He already mourned the absence of it.
Absently, he traced the path. "Like this," he murmured and let the fingers of his left hand dance from his right wrist up until his elbow.
"Shen Wei."
Zhao Yunlan sounded wrecked but Shen Wei didn't look up. At the edge of his vision he saw Zhao Yunlan going down on his knees in front of him. Something about that picture was wrong, but he was too exhausted to really chase that thought.
Time was running out. He had to act now.
"Either you do it or you'll give me that knife and I'll do it myself." It would be more difficult with his left hand but now that he had the most efficient way mapped out it would be stupid to cut anywhere else. He couldn't do it alone, because the bleeding would certainly become a problem, but with Zhao Yunlan waiting to bandage him it wouldn't be too bad.
The half-expected protest didn't come. Instead, there was a quiet "how deep?"
Zhao Yunlan tried, he really did, but he didn't manage to completely mask the rage and fear in his voice. Shen Wei looked up and tried to reassure him with a smile.
"As deep as you dare." He knew Zhao Yunlan would never cut him as deeply as he himself would but this whole enterprise had become one compromise after the other anyway. This was just one more. He would deal with the consequences, no matter what they turned out to be.
"How long will you be out of commission afterwards?"
Shen Wei pretended to think about it for a moment. "A couple of hours," he finally said. In truth, his body and his powers were severely weakened and the damage very probably already ran too deep for him to ever fully recover. He could heal himself enough in about half a day to keep powering through until his inevitable end. At least he could ensure that Zhao Yunlan could meet his younger self. As far as endings went, it was a good one. Making sure that he met the one man who could inspire and set him on the right path for a long and lonely life full of duty and purpose.
The man who would also show him what it meant to love, a memory that would carry him through all of what was to come. That still carried and sustained him even now, with Zhao Yunlan back in his life.
He kept his eyes on his arm, afraid his expression might betray him. His true condition must be kept a secret at all costs.
A frustrated sound, followed by: "Yeah, sure. Whatever the mighty Envoy says. I'll just let you sleep until you wake up by yourself. We'll see how long it takes."
That had been surprisingly easy. Shen Wei finally dared to look up and meet Zhao Yunlan's challenging gaze.
"I'm not stupid, Shen Wei. I know we're on the clock here and that you can't take the time you truly need to fully heal. I'm just trying to make sure you won't collapse from blood loss, or energy poisoning, or whatever before you even manage to get out of the door." He traced the path Shen Wei had mapped out with his own fingers and swallowed hard. "Deal?"
The touch felt wonderful. The touch was torture. He wanted it to never end.
It had been so long since anybody - Kunlun - had touched him and now there was Zhao Yunlan, putting his hands all over his body pretty much from them moment they had met for the very first time in this day and age.
He nodded. "Do it."
"If I ever find out who fucked you up so badly I will find a way to make them pay."
What? He had no idea where that had come from, or what exactly it meant, but before he could ask his head was once again gently tipped up.
"Let me give you this, at least, before I cut you open," Zhao Yunlan whispered and pressed his lips against Shen Wei's.
As far as kisses went it was a rather innocent one - even more innocent than the kisses Kunlun had bestowed on him in the very beginning, when they were still finding their way around each other. When Shen Wei had been an insecure, shaking mess that knew nothing about anything except duty and fighting and had to be taught everything about affection and friendship outside the love he carried for his brother.
Kunlun had been a good teacher; Zhao Yunlan was equally adept at reinforcing the lessons from so long ago. All Shen Wei knew about love and intimacy came from this one man, no matter what he called himself at the moment.
"Close your eyes, baby, I don't want you to see this. Trust me, Shen Wei. I've got this. I've got you."
Shen Wei wanted to protest - he's seen and done so much worse things, seeing himself cut open and bleeding was nothing - but he obediently did as he was bidden, too tired to fight when he knew it to be useless.
"Wait," he paused, gathered his thoughts, "wait until there's no more energy and only blood. Until then you have to keep the wound open."
"Of course it has to be like this," Zhao Yunlan muttered, "are you a masochist or something? Because let me tell you - if you are, we're going to have a big problem soon. The idea of hurting you makes me want to throw up and kill myself."
Shen Wei shook his head, not willing to dwell on the throwaway words. "Not a masochist," he promised and sighed, a sign of weakness he never allowed himself. "Just very used to being hurt." And in pain, he didn't add out loud.
"I'm sorry."
Without another word there was the cold pressure of the knife against the inside of his arm. He could feel his skin part underneath it, burning like it hadn't before, as it made its way town down towards his wrist. Zhao Yunlan must have put something to disinfect on it, no matter that it wasn't necessary for someone like Shen Wei. Even if he could catch an infection - he'd be long dead before it had any real chance of setting in. Still… he appreciated the gesture for what it was and exhaled deeply as the blade slid downwards.
Not deep enough, he wanted to protest but all that came out was a pained gasp for air as his own as well as the foreign energy surged up and the agony of it all hit him for real.
It drove all coherent thoughts from his mind. Zhao Yunlan's iron grip above his elbow and the blade deep inside his arm were the last thing he felt, a harsh "please, just fucking let go and lose consciousness, will you?" the last thing he heard before true darkness took him away into blessed oblivion.
"When I promised you to be your shield against the world I didn't expect that I'd have to protect you from yourself as well."
It took time before the meaning of the words filtered through. Long before it had he felt the hand that stroked his hair, felt the warm body pressed against the whole left side of his body. He was lying on a bed, his left hand was held in a tight grip, fingers entangled with another's, his right arm was laying across his stomach. He could feel the heavy bandaging around it, as well as his dark energy trying to repair the damage. Emphasis on trying, it felt sluggish and ineffective but he was still too out of it to be able to channel it properly.
He could also feel the absence of light energy inside of him. No matter how much it had hurt him, the loss did as well, in its own way.
"You have to be very careful," Zhao Yunlan told him quietly. Shen Wei didn't know how he knew that he was awake. "It took a long time to stop the bleeding but I don't have anything to stitch you up with up here. You should be in a hospital but I know you can't go. Fuck, you probably need a transfusion and wouldn't that be fun to explain? Where to get even the blood from? Do you have a common blood type? Probably not. Must be ten thousand years out of date or something. And not human. Fuck. So… please heal yourself quickly and try to not move too much in the meantime."
"I'm…" he started.
"If you say you're fine I'm going to hit you with a pillow. Just so you know."
Groundless threats of violence shouldn't make him smile but this one did.
"No," admitted softly. "I'm not. But I will be." What was one more lie, against all the ones he had already told and would tell in what little future he had left? Zhao Yunlan, at least, still had so much time with his younger version in front of him. That was enough. It had to be. He wanted to reach out with his free hand but must have betrayed his intention somehow because the hand in his hair vanished and gently pressed against the back of his.
"No moving, I mean it. We can't risk the wound opening up again. Wow, you're really bad at letting someone take care of you. Even I can do better than this."
The raw fear in Zhao Yunlan's voice was… concerning but it finally pushed him far enough to be was able to open his eyes.
The grin that greeted him was more than slightly forced but the happiness behind it was genuine.
"Welcome back. Had a good nap, your Excellency?"
He licked his lips. They were dry and he tasted blood. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than water. No wonder, considering the massive blood loss he had suffered. His body tensed up, trying to get ready for he didn't know what.
"How… how long?"
A deep sigh. "Not long enough for my taste. About four hours. I'm not letting you up for a couple more, just so you know." Zhao Yunlan's fingers tightened around his, as if he could hold him down that way. The touch was grounding and Shen Wei could feel his body relax once more.
Oh. That timeframe was even better than what he had anticipated for himself. Good.
He must have drifted off again but became aware when he was gently prodded.
"Shen Wei? Can you wake up for a bit? You need to drink something."
His body seemed to have forgotten that it was supposed to be anything but relaxed and willingly let itself be manipulated into an halfway upright position, leaning against what he belatedly recognized as Zhao Yunlan's chest. A moment later there was a water bottle against his lips. He opened his mouth and let Zhao Yunlan do whatever he wanted with him.
Later, he would be mortified, but now it just felt nice.
"Yeah, that's good. Come one, one more sip."
He couldn't hold back a slight groan when he was lowered back down again. There was a deep ache in his arm, but it was nothing compared to the searing pain from before. Seemed as if his dark energy had finally stabilized enough to do its job properly. He couldn't quite concentrate enough to make sure but that would pass. Soon, he would be well enough again to look after Zhao Yunlan.
"Shen Wei? Talk to me. You're scaring me with how amendable you are right now."
He had to smile at that. "Thank you. I'll be fine soon."
"Healing kicked in then?"
He nodded and tried to raise his right hand - only to discover that it was still held down, their fingers entangled.
"Oh no. You're staying put for at least an hour more. Then you can sit up. You'll drink more water. After that, and only if you're no longer looking like a corpse, I will help you to get up."
That sounded… needlessly complicated and also unnecessary. He opened his mouth to protest but subsided when two fingers against his lips silenced him before he'd even taken a breath to speak.
"No arguments. One hour. You can afford that. We can afford that." Oh, were those his own words, thrown back at him? It wasn't so nice to be on the receiving end of such a lecture, he discovered. Zhao Yunlan, intuitive and clever as he was, grinned down at him. "Just relax and accept it. There's enough time for that, at least. Let me enjoy having a breathtakingly beautiful man in my bed, even if we did nothing more than kiss before you passed out on me and I had to carry you here in the not-fun-way."
Only now did he remember that they had been on the couch before. Just how quickly had he collapsed after Zhao Yunlan put the knife to his arm?
Stunned might not be the right word for whatever Shen Wei's brain was doing right now but it wasn't working right either. Somehow, he still managed to find the strength to whisper "you can always do it again. Kiss me I mean, not carry me." Although the idea of being vulnerable like this didn't nearly upset him as much as it should. Not with Zhao Yunlan here to watch over him. "I promise, I won't pass out again."
That finally made Zhao Yunlan shut up and even put a hint of color on his face. But only for a moment, before he grinned once again, happy like he hadn't since this whole ordeal had begun.
"Really, Xiao Wei? That's all it would have taken? A kiss?" He laughed and Shen Wei smiled back before letting his gaze slide to the side to hide his embarrassment.
This time, when Zhao Yunlan leaned down to press a chaste kiss against his mouth he was prepared and willingly opened his mouth to deepen it.
He could afford to spend an hour more in Zhao Yunlan's arms and in his bed, he decided, and allowed himself a moan that was quickly echoed back.